fighting tears just to carry on [steele]

[geoff bearing]

People pushed past in a hurry. They all seemed like they had someone to see, somewhere to be, within the next five minutes, and Geoff was only in their way as they bumped and pushed pass him. Was he invisible? How could he be? He’d grown practically two inches since graduation and now almost reached six foot five. It seemed unreasonable that people couldn’t possibly see him, but then again he was still super thin even though he’d gained the standard “freshman fifteen.” His hair had grown out too since his mom had him cut it right before the graduation ceremony. It now fell almost even to his jaw line, but would have been slightly longer had he cared to straighten it. He didn’t though. Looks didn’t really concern Geoff much anymore. It wasn’t like he had anyone to impress, and if he did so happen to impress someone, then so be it. Serendipity just made life seem a lot easier to live. You didn’t worry about making things happen; they just did.

Geoff pushed himself past a large group of teens, young teens most likely freshmen or younger at a local school, who seemed to block the large halls of the mall like a blood clot. He made his way finally to his favorite store: Journey’s. He bought almost all his things here. T-shirts, belts, socks, shoestring, and of course shoes filled his closet. He picked up a pair of bright purple high-top converse, and flipped them over to look at the price. His eyebrows rose at the price. Why were shoes so expensive? They always seemed to be so much more pricey when you really needed new ones, as Geoff did. He had holes filling the soles of his current chucks (his only pair of shoes aside from dress shoes), and the canvas had ripped around the back of one and along the side of the other. They looked like he could literally walk right out of them if he went even a thousand steps further.

A thin and stress worn hand ran through his hair as he looked around. He didn’t get his paycheck for a few more days. Maybe he could survive with the shoes he had until then. If worse came to worse, he would just wear the dress shoes and try not to ruin them. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Otherwise he’d have to dig into Olivia’s account. Well, technically it was his, for Scott was still putting money in it without knowledge of Olivia, and Geoff refused to use the money for anything else but Olive. It was a vow he made to himself. So with that in mind, Geoff turned in a motion to leave, but that effort was quickly lost when he noticed something on one of the racks by the entrance to the store.

Carly and his mom usually were in charge of buying clothes for Olive, but he’d always make sure to put money towards whatever it was, or he bought her toys. He definitely had a problem of spoiling her. This was why it seemed like a pleasant surprise when small baby shoes caught Geoff’s eyes. He quickly directed his path towards them, picking up a small pair of baby Vns. They were black with white music notes on them. He knew Olivia wouldn’t care what they looked like; she’d probably kick them off every two seconds anyway. But he thought they were the cutest things ever, and the tag only said $30. He’d have to get them when he came to get his own for real. Maybe he could even get them matching shoes, or would that be too lame? He didn’t care right now though. Geoff was busy trying to imagine the small vans on Olive, and that made him smile. He took one shoe between his fingers and moved them back and forth in a walking motion making “boom dada boom dada boom dada boom…” noises. It was like a galloping horse wearing Vans.

[steele wilson]

today seemed like a bad day from the moment steele hit his head this morning on the upper bunk bed while trying to get out of bed, until now, where he spotted someone whom he hadn't seen in so long, since the break up to be precise. why so long? because steele avoided him, hid from anyone who had the same hair style, the same height, and even the same clothing style. for the past couple of weeks, steele has been in hiding, as if his life were one big game. steele knew he couldn't hide forever, but after reading the last gossip girl blog, steele started debating whether hit was possible or not. he could always move away, but he was a senior in high school, and transferring now would mess up everything for his future. but when steele had imagined his future so many months ago, he imagined it with geoff. that future was long crushed, but why did it bother steele what gossip girl had written on her last blog?

i'll tell you why. because there was a part of steele, he wasn't sure how big of a part it was, that was irrevocably and unconditionally in love with this boy. living without even a glimpse of him killed steele every day that he was surprised he had made thus far. but the mere sight of that long, wavy brunette hair and that hard to miss long torso made steele feel dead on the inside. it was hard for him to believe that after all this time, the boy's presence set free the thousands of little butterflies in steele's stomach. it had been a very long time since they were set free, so the butterflies were flitting and flying it made him sick. not even julia was able to set free the long captivated butterflies in his stomach. for a long time steele had thought he would never love anyone again, and as much as he tried to find love with julia, the inconvenient truth was slowly revealed to steele. maybe in the future there was a chance for steele to love someone, but who was dumb enough to wait it out while steele still lingered on the past, living with the mere chance steele will grow up.

what hurt the most was that geoff had been fooling around with jerome evans, whom steele thought was his friend. he wasn't entirely sure if it was true or not, but it hurt him all the same. now was his chance to confront geoff if the rumor gossip girl had written about him was true. steele walked into the small store, pretended to look interested at the shoes as he slowly crept closer and closer to the little kid rack where geoff was facing away from him. still hoping that it wasn't geoff, steele reached out to tap him on the shoulder, but stopped only inches away from his skin. "geoff?" he cried softly. his voice sounded hoarse and shaky to where he hardly even recognized himself. standing behind him, steele was now sure that it was indeed geoff, that he hadn't forgotten how he looked and in his presence steele could sense the warm and friendly vibe he had missed. steele felt himself slowly get cold feet. he still had time to walk away before geoff turned around. when he did so, his feet wouldn't budge. steele felt like he was in some kind of trance. this had to have been a dream. both geoff and steele knew that steele would never waltz his way over to talk to him, but here he was standing only inches away from his former love and current love, as real as it could be.

[geoff bearing]

There seemed to be a million shoes. Small pink Converse, little Vans, and tiny flip-flops. Geoff couldn’t believe it. He felt like such a girl. Not only was he so infatuated with these shoes, but they were baby shoes. That was a certain genre of clothing he had never paid any mind to before Olivia was born. He kind of wished she could be here with him now so he could at least try the shoes on her without imagining them. He set the music Vans back down, vowing to himself that he’d get them in only a few days. What were the chances they’d be gone? Geoff sighed, looking around at the other baby shoes. Perhaps he’d be able to find a cheaper, yet equally cute, pair of shoes for her. He wasn’t looking for very long though until her heard someone say his name. It sounded familiar, but he couldn’t place the voice. Geoff didn’t spend much time trying to figure out who it was. Instead, he turned around and came face to top of head, then to face, with none other than Steele Wilson.

There was no turning back. Well, literally Geoff could, but that’d be rude, and he didn’t want Steele to possibly hate him anymore. There was no denying the shock on his face though as he looked down at his former lover. Geoff’s hands nonchalantly found their way into his pockets, as they did when the two first met, to keep from reaching out and touching Steele. There was no way this was happening. Steele coming up and talking to him on his free will was something that didn’t happen anymore. Geoff felt his stomach tighten up as he pondered the different reasons as to why Steele could possibly be here, talking to him. He tried to wrap his mind around this scenario. It had only been a day ago since he read the latest Gossip Girl blog, and Geoff couldn’t resist the urge to read Steele’s own blog after that, not bothering to even make it worth commenting on the Jerome deal.

According to Steele’s blog though, he still had feelings for Geoff. It was obvious. Sure, it could be any boy, but Geoff was pretty sure he was the only one with a kid. He wouldn’t lie to himself either. He was still in love with Steele, so why couldn’t they have the whole fairytale “happily ever after” romance? Was Steele still that upset that Geoff had tried to lie about Carly? Geoff’s hands raked through his hair, and he could feel himself pulling at his own hair. So many thoughts ran through his head at once, but he was just trying to get it all straightened out. “Steele?” Geoff managed to utter after what felt like an eternity of looking down at that small, gorgeous boy. He knew it had only been a few seconds though and quickly cleared his throat, “Hey,” His voice lightened up a bit, and he forced himself to put on his crooked smile and appear as if nothing was wrong. “What’s up?”

[steele wilson]

steele forced himself from jumping in his arms. he had to fight back the urge to go up and hug him or get down on his knees and beg to get him back. steele was pretty embarrassed enough as it was, he didn't need any reason to be any more redder than he already was. seeing geoff's face for the very first time in what felt like years, but was only a couple of weeks, brought back steele's shy side like he had when he first met him. well, steele was not at all shy when he first met geoff, almost throwing himself at the other boy. he remembered it like it was only yesterday that steele had hurt his ankle and was escorted off the tall, gorgeous boy to the nurse's office.

steele knew he wasn't ready to confront geoff, but it was too late. there was no turning back, he already had caught geoff's attention, to just walk away would totally kill any and all possible make up chance they had. it was now of never. steele knew that from the moment he noticed the dark haired guy from a distance. fate had brought them together under one store, hoping that they would get a chance to talk, and if that wasn't now, then when will it be. as much as steele wanted to yell at him for finding a new person, a new guy who steele was pretty good friends with, he held that back too, knowing it would lead to tears. not from geoff, but from him. he was already holding back any sign of watery eyes the best he can.

opening his mouth to speak, and then shutting it again. the only problem with steele's whole confrontation with geoff was the fact he had no idea what to say. it felt weird not knowing much about geoff any more, otherwise it would make it much easier to talk to him. they were like strangers now, both going on with their own lives, avoiding the other. steele wasn't sure if avoiding the other was just his thing or geoff was doing it as well, but it would have been much easier if steele had faced his fears sooner rather than now. how was he to know if the whole gossip girl thing was a while ago or if it was very recent. steele himself found himself very attracted to jerome when he first met him, but it was just a phase, and they were better off staying friends, because it was clear to steele he was not gay at the time.

it had been awhile, things could have changed, but it would take a lot more than time to bring jerome into the boy world. there had to be a mistake somewhere, and according to the people who posted to gossip girl, gossip girl wasn't always as accurate as she might say it is. still, the mere thought of geoff with another male, or even a female like carly, made steele jealous. jealous to the point where steele had found this hidden bravery he lacked to confront geoff, and what better than a public place, where they would both be the most civilized, steele hoped.

it was good hearing geoff to say his name again. steele didn't realize how much he missed geoff's voice. he almost didn't want to break the calming, friendly tone geoff was sending him, acting as though nothing had happened between them and steele didn't leave him for his own selfish reasons. at the same time, however, steele wondered why was it so easy for geoff to play it cool after steele had been the fool to end things with him. "hey," he replied uneasily, still at awe at geoff's welcoming presence that he did not deserve. "it's been good..." steele said. "how about you?" steele asked, stalling a little longer while he tried to collect his thoughts.

[geoff bearing]

Everything seemed familiar. It wasn’t like Geoff hadn’t seen Steele in years or anything, but those few weeks--and much self-discipline--away from Steele had lead Geoff to forget all the little things. He still smelled the same, even a few feet away Geoff would know it was Steele even if his eyes were closed. He was still the same height, yet he appeared shorter due to Geoff’s small growth spurt since graduation. Steele even still had the same flat ironed hair and mysterious eyes. Geoff would’ve even put all the money in his pocket on a bet that Steele had a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, most likely close to empty. Yeah, these things hadn’t crossed his mind once he convinced himself he was over the younger boy. Having Steele standing here in front of him though brought back every lost memory he had hidden in the back of his mind.

This couldn’t be good for his well-being.

There was no denying though the awkward feeling that hung in the air between the two. Geoff was doing his best to force his best behavior. He didn’t want Steele to feel so uncomfortable, but e knew that it wasn’t really working the greatest. Geoff could still tell Steele’s emotions even now, and Steele’s demeanor almost worried him. What could be so wrong that Steele needed to come talk to Geoff even though they hadn’t seen each other in so long? Geoff could also tell Steele seemed to be in a position he didn’t want to be, and that made Geoff’s stomach tense up. Right now he wished he weren’t still so in tune with Steele.

The sound of the boy’s voice didn’t help that either. He was obviously trying just as hard as Geoff was to make things less inept. Or so all of this seemed to Geoff. While most of this seemed logical, Geoff still knew there was a part of him that could be making this up. He could be fooling himself into thinking Steele still wanted him too. This part was the part of his mind that Geoff considered his worst enemy. It was the part that held on to those memories of Steele and kept him from moving on; it was the part that convinced him he still knew who Steele was while teaching him to doubt if he ever really did know who Steele was. After all, the things Steele did confused Geoff to no end. Like leaving Geoff because of Olive and moving on to a girl who also had a baby.

No. This wasn’t anytime to think about that. Not with Steele here in the flesh, standing before him, looking as tempting as ever. Geoff blinked his eyes, erasing everything that had just crossed his mind. Steele’s voice broke through all of that and pulled him back to reality. He and Steele weren’t together. They never would be. That was that, so why was Steele here? The forced politeness was irking Geoff to no end, but what could he do? They were in public. He never was one to start a scene, and he really hoped Steele would have heart enough to keep them out of trouble.

“I’ve been okay,” Geoff nodded. It was the most honest answer he could produce at the moment. While he should stopped there though and ask Steele what he wanted (to get this done and over with), he still kept talking. Geoff knew he had that problem. Talking too much was a curse that he definitely acquired from his mom. “Olive is with Carly for the next two weeks, so I’m planning on taking advantage of the extra sleep opportunities.” he chuckled a bit before crossing his long arms over his chest in his weird manor that was more like laying one on top of the other versus actually crossing them. “So….” His voice felt like it was be forced out, “Were you wanting anything, or can I be on my way? I have to work later.” Lies. Why was he lying? Why did he feel like it was so necessary to lie to Steele?

It wasn’t like Steele would care whether he had plans or not. Not only were they not together, but they weren’t even friends anymore. The only thing that had in common was a few close buddies, broken hearts, and memories.